27 December 2012

Wonderful psychologist Pt 2

My wonderful psychologist is on holidays for 2 weeks. 

During our last session she said that she wanted to make sure that I am coping during that time and we arranged that she would call me this afternoon to check how I am coping. She said that she was sure that I would do just fine but she wanted to make contact to make sure. 

I am not okay. I am not coping. I have been crying again this morning. Best friend is home and we are meeting for lunch but even that hasn't fully infiltrated the black cloud around me. I am afraid of telling wonderful psychologist though. I just want to say that I am coping like she wants me to. I don't want to be a disappointment. I worry that if I do tell the truth she might suggest seeing me. I don't want to disturb her time off. I should be able to do this by myself. 

I really need to not just give my standard answers. I know that I need to tell her that I have had to ring a helpline 4 of the last 6 days. That I have cried more than I have since I was in the depths of serious depression. That she let me see through her eyes. That it terrified me. That I had nightmares last night looking through those eyes. 

I have to do it. I cannot expect that she will hear what I am not saying. I do that, I say or do things that I don't really mean expecting that people will be able to see through it as I am so afraid of saying what I really want. I, of course, then find myself highly distressed. It is my own stupid fault but I keep doing it. I keep disappointing myself. 

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