31 December 2012

Random Pt 3

Shaking so much today. 

I can't even seem to cook today. Something that should have been very easy for me to do was a nightmare. I have been burning things lately. Things taste horrible. 

I can't stop crying at the moment. I do things and end up dissolving into tears by the end. I don't want to do anything as I just keep fucking things up. 

I had dreams last night, well nightmares I suppose. Future not past. I know that wonderful psychologist says that dreams are not premonitions. That having them doesn't mean they will come true. 

Not sure about the emdr next appointment with lovely psychiatrist. I think I just need to talk to him. It will have been a month by the time I see him. He got frustrated with me before, said that I didn't need to have a bad week. Last week was pretty much a disaster. I think wonderful psychologist was frustrated too. I have done some good things this week but I have this black cloud that seems to all of a sudden slam down around me. It did that yesterday and it is still here today. 

I feel isolated. I feel alone. I feel inconvenient. I feel bad. I feel naughty. I feel wrong. 

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I started this not long after I posted my last one. I got distracted trying to do something that didn't work. Then little one wanted to show me and let me feel something. Too hard to talk about it now, maybe always will be. I knew that he did this stuff and I have felt some pain before but seeing it in the same way that it happened back then is different. Looking into his eyes. Seeing his face. Seeing him say those words. The look on his face as he does these things. Feeling tears running out of my eyes. Feeling his hands, lips, body. Having those tiny little hands being shown how to do things. It hurts on a whole different level than it did before. 

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