8 November 2012

Messy

Ever had one of those days? 


I really don't know how to describe it. Everything just felt like a 10 ton weight on top of me. My jaw, teeth, head, neck and shoulders are not nearly as sore as they were yesterday, at least the pain killers are working for a while today. 

I haven't been able to cry today. I have really wanted to. I walked in the door from work and just couldn't and still can't. It is frustrating. I am so tense and anxious. I am struggling so very hard to calm myself but it really isn't working. 

I feel really horrible at the moment. I am exhausted; I am in pain; I have nausea; I am very down. My great doctor suggested yesterday that it could just be that everything is starting to catch up with me. That this year has been so hard and has taken so much energy that my body and brain are reacting. Yes, it makes sense but it doesn't really help much right at the moment. Doctor also suggested that the anxiety in relation to the coming emdr is probably contributing. 

I am also having a lot of physical memories (or body memories as some have referred to them). My chiro worked on my jaw again yesterday. I was okay for a while but had some massive flashbacks later. Although that probably wasn't helped that when I saw my doctor afterwards that she wanted to have a feel of my abdomen since I was feeling so nauseous all the time. Although the flashbacks were definitely more related to my mouth than my body. 

While sitting her writing I just started having flashbacks. One I had never had before. It was physical as well as in my head. I suppose it wasn't new exactly as I know it must have happened but I just haven't "felt" or "seen" it before. 

Just one of those messy days. Not helped by the fact that I think someone followed me home this afternoon. From the supermarket right to my house. Whoever it was went up the street further but when I was getting a package out of the car only a few minutes later the vehicle drove past going the other way. I am probably just being paranoid. It is just that they sat right on the back of me driving up the road. Considering what has happened in the last week it frightened me a bit. Paranoid, right? 

I don't even know what I want tonight. I would love to talk to best friend but last time I called he didn't answer nor return the call. Texts are short. I don't even want to talk about "stuff" I just want to talk. Oh well, I see wonderful psychologist next week. I can talk to her. 

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