17 December 2014

Seventy-sixth appointment

The appointment was fine. Just talked. 

I am starting a trip tomorrow. Off to the city and then Friday off on a cruise for Christmas & New Year. I am actually so anxious and scared out of my mind tonight. I have been crying and just had a massive nosebleed. 

I talked it through with both wonderful psychologist and lovely psychiatrist and I am trying to break it down and only think of the next step rather than the whole thing but even the next step has me freaking out. 

They seem so proud of me doing this on my own. People have been telling me how brave I am for doing it. I just want to curl up in a little ball. No actually, I want to turn around and go home. 

I am so scared. I know that you can't get a holiday "wrong" but I am so worried about doing something wrong or being somewhere wrong. I am really not sure what I am doing. I really don't know what to expect or what to do. 

My nose is starting to bleed again... :-(

11 December 2014

Seventy-fifth appointment

It was an interesting appointment with lovely psychiatrist today. We didn't do any emdr just talked. 

For a while now I have been thinking about various things in my life. I'm not talking about all the stuff from the past. No stuff in the present but mostly about the future. 

5 December 2014

3 December 2014

Seventy-fourth appointment

Yeah, I didn't write about the 73rd appointment.

It is getting easier. It is not as overwhelming to hear what he says to take me back. There are a few words he uses which still cut. The most difficult part is the physical memories now.

1 December 2014

...home

So, I went away for the weekend. It was beautiful, relaxing and peaceful. The place I stayed at was so lovely and there wasn't a bunch of other people in your face. In fact I didn't really see anyone else. I wandered around with my camera, I bobbed around in the pool, just sat and relaxed. I was wonderful. I didn't think of any of this stuff. I didn't think about work or home chaos or anything. 

24 November 2014

Seventy-second appointment

Much the same, flashbacks and derealisation. Although it is getting easier to think of this scenario without the crushing fear. There is just so much sadness, pain, anger about it. Lovely psychiatrist tells me they are very appropriate emotions to be feeling. He says that all the crying I have been doing lately is good. 

12 November 2014

Seventy-first appointment

I have been incredibly flat lately. Lovely psychiatrist tells me that sadness & depression are an improvement on fear & dissociation. I am sure that he is right but it really doesn't make it easier. 

I told him that my kitchen reno is supposed to start next week and I am not even excited about it anymore. He suggested that perhaps the reality of the work, the inconvenience or a time, the mess and the fact that there is going to be strangers, men, in my house. The place that is my safe zone. I hadn't thought of that but it does make sense. He said that once it is finished I will probably find myself more excited. 

5 November 2014

Seventieth appointment

Wow, 70 appointments. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

It was a very difficult appointment. Quite a lot of pain and I derealised again. There was, however, something good in the appointment.


31 October 2014

Unknown danger

Okay, so this post is completely unrelated to all this stuff. 

I have been pretty sick this week and it was all because of something I never expected. 

One of my outlets is photography. I like to take photos of the birds that come to my house and go out into nature and take photos of landscapes, plants, flowers and wildlife. I have been trying to get out as much as possible. 

30 October 2014

Sixty-ninth appointment

I don't really know what to say. 

Lovely psychiatrist thinks it is getting better.