31 August 2014

Not harsh

I just read over my last post. It sounds harsh. It wasn't.

His voice was soft and kind. There was also other stuff that was said but that is the stuff that I remember the most and the main points.

30 August 2014

It's done now

"What do you mean?"
"The level of intimacy you write of wasn't there. We didn't meet every day. We didn't write to each other for long."
"But I had the letters"
"How many do you have?"
"I burnt them"
"Okay, how many did you have when you burnt them?"
"I don't know maybe 10"
"If we had written twice a week for 8 months how many would you have had?"
"Lots...."


25 August 2014

To be sure

So just to be sure I went and saw my chemist today and got the morning after pill. 

It was really difficult to talk to a male about it but I trust him and didn't want to talk with anyone else there. 

I had a little teary moment in the room where he was talking with me. There was some questions he had to ask but also information he had to give me. It made me really nauseous and I have a dreadful headache. It cost me $20 but peace of mind. 

No matter how desperately I want to have a child I don't want it to happen like that. 

24 August 2014

What have I done?

I have had most of the past 4 weeks flashback free. I am not sure if it was healing or repressing. I think perhaps the former. 

Now though, I am broken again. I think I broke my mind. 


23 August 2014

Teacher

I did something really stupid today. In doing so I think I just took a giant leap backwards. Not just a step or two but a massive jump.

When I do something significant in my life I buy myself a special piece of jewellery. I have had my eye on something for quite some time, a beautiful ring. I was planning on it being my purchase at the end of emdr. However the thing with A this week was so significant for me that I decided that it would be my purchase. I had to go to my "run away" town to get it. They had to order it in, which after what happened next I should probably cancel. 

22 August 2014

Again

She started screaming again this morning.

I don't have time for this. I don't need this. Why couldn't she wait until I was in the room with lovely psychiatrist this coming week before she started screaming?

It is so loud I feel dizzy.

20 August 2014

Power

I finally took the power back.

I talked to detective friend after another run in with A. I didn't tell him everything, enough that he worked it out himself.

He made an unofficial visit to A.

After not seeing A for a little while I did today and he was he usual self.

I only said three words to him.

"Seen [detective] lately?"

He didn't say a word, just spun around and walked away.

I have my power back.


11 August 2014

Up, middle, down

I have had some pretty good things happening.

I have had some pretty average things happening.

And then there has been some awful stuff.

For the most part the awful stuff isn't abuse stuff it is other life stuff.

I spoke with someone today that might help to ease one of the crappy things. Hopefully anyway.

My grandfather is really sick in hospital. It was actually pretty awful when I went there this afternoon.

Other stuff. All of it just makes me cry and erodes at how the good stuff makes me feel.