24 November 2014

Seventy-second appointment

Much the same, flashbacks and derealisation. Although it is getting easier to think of this scenario without the crushing fear. There is just so much sadness, pain, anger about it. Lovely psychiatrist tells me they are very appropriate emotions to be feeling. He says that all the crying I have been doing lately is good. 

12 November 2014

Seventy-first appointment

I have been incredibly flat lately. Lovely psychiatrist tells me that sadness & depression are an improvement on fear & dissociation. I am sure that he is right but it really doesn't make it easier. 

I told him that my kitchen reno is supposed to start next week and I am not even excited about it anymore. He suggested that perhaps the reality of the work, the inconvenience or a time, the mess and the fact that there is going to be strangers, men, in my house. The place that is my safe zone. I hadn't thought of that but it does make sense. He said that once it is finished I will probably find myself more excited. 

5 November 2014

Seventieth appointment

Wow, 70 appointments. I am not sure if that is a good thing or not.

It was a very difficult appointment. Quite a lot of pain and I derealised again. There was, however, something good in the appointment.

31 October 2014

Unknown danger

Okay, so this post is completely unrelated to all this stuff. 

I have been pretty sick this week and it was all because of something I never expected. 

One of my outlets is photography. I like to take photos of the birds that come to my house and go out into nature and take photos of landscapes, plants, flowers and wildlife. I have been trying to get out as much as possible. 

30 October 2014

Sixty-ninth appointment

I don't really know what to say. 

Lovely psychiatrist thinks it is getting better. 

26 October 2014

22 October 2014

Sixty-eighth appointment

Apparently today went well. Actually, I didn't feel that bad when I left today. 

I cried a lot of the way home. 

I really didn't have many flashbacks in the last week but had several on the way home. 

I'm tired but my mind is racing. 

I want to write but I don't want to. I want to draw but don't want to. 

Kind of mixed up at the moment. 

17 October 2014

9 October 2014

Lotus People

As I wrote previously I met with the psychologist who I have a memory of seeing when I was 16.

I took photos with me of that age. My face was familiar to her but she can't place it with a case. She asked me if she was familiar. I said sort of and then asked if she used to have red hair. She said yes, that she used to dye her hair a reddish colour.

8 October 2014

Sixty-sixth appointment

Lovely psychiatrist took me too the "scene". As he finished talking, I started flashbacks all types. Then I dissociated. It was a bit of work to get me back. He had to do a bit of work to bring me back.