Varied appointment with lovely psychiatrist today. Talked about quite a few things.
He told me that online friendships are just as real as offline friendships. Things can be said and/or done and you are allowed to be hurt and upset. I know that he is right and my online friendships are extremely important to me and some of the people I have met are amazing. However if something upsets or hurts me I revert to "it is only online" so therefore it shouldn't upset or hurt. Completely and totally illogical when I actually sat down and talked about it. I guess that it was about knowing it was okay to feel the way I do about what happened. I still struggle with what I feel and if it is appropriate.
We have started talking about my anxiety related to weight loss. It has been an interesting thing. I got to under 100 kg and then slowly it started creeping back on. I am back over now, although I did have some issues with that anti-depressant that I tried. We spoke about how I think of weight as protection. While I really want to be in a relationship etc I am so very afraid of it too. I am so very scared of ending up in an abusive relationship and I believe that if I am overweight that I will not be noticed. I, honestly, believe that no one could ever find me attractive the way that I am. I am ashamed and embarrassed about the way that I look but I am so fearful of doing anything to change it. Lovely psychiatrist pointed out several things to me today.