30 June 2015


So I have had a bad couple of days. 

My cousin committed suicide on Sunday night. I got a text from my grandparents at work yesterday morning. 

My Gramma died some time overnight (she was overseas). I found out at lunch time from a post on Facebook by my second cousin. 

Text & Facebook is this what the world is reduced to? Surely something as important as the loss of a loved one should be communicated in person or if that isn't possible then by phone. 

Yes, I was at work but there were ways they could have gotten the news to me. When my uncle died they contacted my grandparents here to let me know when they couldn't get me on the phone, 

It hurts. It hurts so much that they think so little of me that I found out from Facebook. 

3 June 2015

Eighty-eighth appointment

So I now have a script for an anti-depressant. New to the market, non government subsidised (oh well, that is what my health insurance is for). Unfortunately it is so new to the market that my pharmacy doesn't stock it. They can't get it in until Friday and by that time I won't be in town. I guess that it is probably best not to start a new medication before a long weekend away. 

1 June 2015

Horror night

It was his birthday yesterday and it was kind of a fucked up day. 

I basically did nothing in the morning except for sit around watching random stuff on youtube. Oh and going down rabbit holes on the internet. Some freaking weird stuff out there when you just start randomly clicking on things.... 

I did manage to make myself roast pork for dinner. I got my crackle to crackle properly for the first time in ages. 

27 May 2015

Eighty- seventh appointment

Been a while since I wrote specifically about an appointment. 

Today was a difficult one. Not so much because of the emdr but because of the other stuff that we talked about. 

21 May 2015

11 May 2015

Risks can be worth it

So, I went away for the weekend. I did some stuff.

I went to a thing called Whoniverse, which was a Dr Who panel thing. Basically a few of the actors were there and it was a q&a session. I bought some merchandise and it was a good way to spend some time.

Now that I have said that about Whoniverse, I didn't actually see all of it. Although I did see the actors that I really wanted to see, just not the actor who played Doctor Who. If it had been David Tennant or Peter Capaldi nothing could have stopped me but it was Matt Smith. He was a good Doctor but not my favourite. Besides last minute I had the opportunity to catch up with someone I haven't seen for a long time. We had lunch at Jamie Oliver's restaurant and walked to the Botanical Gardens. It was a lovely afternoon of talking.

21 April 2015

Need to stop beating myself up

So...things aren't really that good here at the moment. The medication changes are taking a toll. I really want to get off this medication but I think that the other one I am on needs some adjustment. I would really like to just increase my dose but am reluctant to do it on my own. I know that lovely psychiatrist has suggested to me in the past that I can, to a certain extent, play around with things. I never have though. It is another two weeks before I see him. I guess that the best course of action would be to just wait. I do see my gp on Thursday so will talk with her about it. Although I think she will be reluctant to do anything either. My main reason for hesitation really is the possible side effects. I know that with the medication I am taking there is a risk of a rare side effect called Stevens-Johnson syndrome which is very serious. It is rare and the likelihood of it from an increased dose, as opposed to starting a new drug, are more rare. However, lovely psychiatrist has been very specific about this particular reaction as he has previously had a patient that it did happen to. 

7 April 2015


You know how I said that if there was going to be side effects from changing my medication it would rocket me up? Yeah, well no. I feel like I am plunging downwards. I have been grinding my teeth and clenching my jaw terribly. My mouth was aching badly today. Now I have the most dreadful headaches. One of the headaches that I used to get all the time. The strong paracetamol & codeine aren't penetrating. I'm in that weighing up as to whether the nausea and cramping of taking ibuprofen are worth it to get rid of this pain in my head. I know that sounds weird but sometimes the nausea and cramping are worth it. I have talked with both my doctor and pharmacist about taking ibuprofen and we came up with some restrictions that I must follow. Mainly it is about me picking when it is really necessary. I am allowed 1 tablet 1 - 2 times a week. No more than that. No longer than 2 weeks. 

4 March 2015


I am feeling so depressed. 

My body is just aching. I am so tired. I have been snappy with my beautiful cats. 

Having today without going to see my psychiatrist was supposed to be a good thing. Instead I've just kind of fallen apart. I made pizza for lunch and now I feel so bloody sick. 

I was drawing/writing in the night. Are things at night more likely to be real? I hope it is just my head making things up.