14 September 2014

Sixty-third appointment

It has taken a little while for me to process this past appointment. 

Lovely psychiatrist keeps building onto the "scene" that he uses to take me back. Some little thing will come up. A word or a visual and he will add that in. He added a new word in this appointment. It came up in my last appointment, running over and over in my head. It was like getting slapped. 

13 September 2014


There are times when something is done that there is no way that sorry is enough but that is all you have. 

I am sorry. 

I am so sorry to the person I hurt. 

I feel like saying it out loud to the person wasn't enough. I don't expect anything in return for saying out loud to the person nor by putting it here. I won't expand on it further here. I will tell my professionals and talk it through with them. 

I am truly sorry. 

6 September 2014


Trees, trees everywhere. 

I almost got her to tell/draw for me what it means. 

5 September 2014

Sixty-second appointment

What an unusual appointment it was.

I told lovely psychiatrist about seeing teacher and the outcome there. He asked me about whether there is a possible relationship there but then I told him about the no marriage/no children. I said that I would be fine with no marriage, you don't have to be married to be committed. I also said that if I was in a relationship with someone and we tried to have children and it didn't happen then it would be "okay" but I just cannot go into a relationship knowing that there is no possibility.

31 August 2014

Not harsh

I just read over my last post. It sounds harsh. It wasn't.

His voice was soft and kind. There was also other stuff that was said but that is the stuff that I remember the most and the main points.

30 August 2014

It's done now

"What do you mean?"
"The level of intimacy you write of wasn't there. We didn't meet every day. We didn't write to each other for long."
"But I had the letters"
"How many do you have?"
"I burnt them"
"Okay, how many did you have when you burnt them?"
"I don't know maybe 10"
"If we had written twice a week for 8 months how many would you have had?"

25 August 2014

To be sure

So just to be sure I went and saw my chemist today and got the morning after pill. 

It was really difficult to talk to a male about it but I trust him and didn't want to talk with anyone else there. 

I had a little teary moment in the room where he was talking with me. There was some questions he had to ask but also information he had to give me. It made me really nauseous and I have a dreadful headache. It cost me $20 but peace of mind. 

No matter how desperately I want to have a child I don't want it to happen like that. 

24 August 2014

What have I done?

I have had most of the past 4 weeks flashback free. I am not sure if it was healing or repressing. I think perhaps the former. 

Now though, I am broken again. I think I broke my mind.